i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm like, not good at living.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
