if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
