and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
