I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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