no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
