nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
