I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
