my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
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Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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