How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
