He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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