You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i need some magic done to my vagina
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
