when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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