booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
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I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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