You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
