You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
