I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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