Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
