guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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