im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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