I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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