My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
