So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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