remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
