what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
