Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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