I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
