I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
