if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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