Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
