it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Is Oprah even human
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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