Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Michael Bay diarrhea
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
