I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
