She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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