You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
