we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
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Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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