I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
