Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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