I'm pants shitting drunk right now
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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