I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
