i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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