rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
last night I used snow as a chaser
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
