and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
