Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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