i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.