I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
