Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.