And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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