i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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