this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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