i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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