she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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