What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
