I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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