Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
