i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
