i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
