Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
