A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
