I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
