He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
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Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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