Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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